Surviving the Crossroads of Transition
I have not Blogged in a while…..to be honest I have not felt like writing. My mother passed away on February 25th, or transitioned into her true divine self, as I like to think of it. A place where there is no more pain and suffering of the flesh, but equally the loss of the ability to feel and hold the warmth of her form. This defines a crossroads of understanding of what it means to live – and what it means to survive another’s passing.
I looked on the internet for camaraderie for dealing with the death of your mother in mid-life….but most of the limited advice I found was for women only. That is not fitting the bill here. I discovered that there is nothing on the Internet for middle-aged guys who lose their mother - who just happen to be the only child, which is odd, I thought. I am here to tell you that it is hard….with no brothers or sisters for support to commiserate with – you really do feel alone in the world. I am not a weak person by any stretch of the imagination, but I suppose this is something that people just do not feel comfortable talking about. (So here I am talking about it) Like so many things, we just ignore it; stuff it down inside and move on with life. Although, I can move on with life, that does not mean that I do not feel the abyss that has been placed in my life. Perhaps for men, admitting so would appear to be less than macho - this means of course that you are concerned about how others perceive you and allow that to drive your persona.
So, I began to watch and listen to other people tell the story of what happens in their life when a parent dies. In thinking about their commentaries, society briefly sympathizes with the survivor(s) of a lost parent, but it is as if the mid-age survivor should snap back after a week or two and be completely normal. This expected mask of delusion placed by societies expectations, I surmise, is because you are older, busier and supposedly have more emotional tools available at your command.
I have found that the grieving process really does not hit until several months later and that may only be the beginning. So, it is a process to say the least. This process requires a completely different set of tools that you can never prepare for through either experience or reading. You learn as you go along. Every loss of someone you love is different, so how can you prepare?
Well, I have my mother to thank for many gifts. Personally, I am now aware of her Shen, or spirit, that flows through my veins even more than ever before. A blessing that allows me to truly feel her moment-by-moment in all that I am, and all that I do.
The Buddhist monk, Thich Nhat Hanh, says this, “If you look deeply into the palm of your hand, you will see your parents and all generations of your ancestors. All of them are alive in this moment. Each is present in your body. You are the continuation of each of these people.”
On reflecting of her transition, I remembered the many gifts she gave me. My mother always had the gift to sense and feel another’s pain or discomfort and always had a way – through word or action –that allowed her to comfort another – even if that was the animal that she had just rescued.
Another was her tolerance of allowing me to find my own path. In reading Thomas Merton, I discovered a quote that describes her perfectly, albeit she never read Merton that I know of: “The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.”
I love you mom, and
as your Shen flows through my veins, I will celebrate your gifts everyday
though my words and my actions. Be at peace.
Thank you Ted for sharing this most difficult of experiences with us. Though I am not an only child, my sister and I are not as close as I would like. When my father was last hospitalized, it was my wife and I that witnessed his death throes. You have indeed been blessed by your mother, as her great caring and patience reveal themselves in your own expression of these very same graces. Through you and your work we have all been blessed by her short presence here as well. Many thanks to you both.
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Hi Ted my friend,
first of all let me send you along the internet, my deep support to you in this difficult moment.
Iam with you about what u said about men and this macho estereotype, we live in this cynical society.
Just to send my love to your beautiful mother´s soul, anywhere she is now,
that I bett will better than here.
ALl the best, for a good soul like you
carlos
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I'm still going through the grieving process myself. The death of my mother in 2005 was a startling blow to the whole family, the emotions cutting very deep. It's a subject that is not talked about very much in our family, at least between myself and other family members. It's hard feeling like I have this burden alone, but then I think of all the good qualities my mother gifted to the world. Most importantly, she was a healer. She dedicated her life to reducing the suffering of others as a CRNA, and she was damn good at it. She was a caring mother and wife, and I still see her influence in my life everyday, whether I recognize it or not.
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Very touching. It's a blessing to know that your mother is experiencing life in at another frequency now. She is an ancestor and you can always call her . It's a gift we have to be the vessel of god on earth so she's just no longer in a vehicle the (physical body) but I know you miss her, I lost my step father in feb. 2009 he was very weak and I used my iching oracles to see what day I should get home to be there before he passed on and to be there for my mother because I knew she would take it hard. Well I followed the oracles like always and god said to be there on Thursday and I did and I had 2 hours with him and a room full of my sisters and mother and my step fathers family and I was holding his hand and chanting to him because when I made it to the hospitol he had been in a struggle all day to breath and he kept waking from a deep sleep trying to breath but couldn't I watched him suffer, the doctors gave up on him. Well i never actually saw him with his eyes open he was in and out... So I held his hand and chanted and talked to him then he took his last breaths as I spoke to him, he waited until we all got to the hospitol and then he passed over, he was always smart like that and he always put everybody elses' needs before his own. He is wonderful and I miss him too. But it was easier knowing that I made it because I listened to god tell me when to get there and I made it. I pour libation to his ka... Thanks for sharing Ted. Your story was do touching it made me think of this wonderful person. Peace be onto both of them
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Your work with me in the months after my mother's passing was enormously healing. But it's only now after two years and a couple months that I feel like fully "being in the world again" and participating in social events, rather than being reclusive. The process to me feels like waves of feelings, memories and release, and then getting up once more.
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Dr. Cibik,
again I am sorry for the loss of your mom. I am so grateful that I read this entry because no, my parents have not died but ever since there divorce and my dad moved away and does not speak to me, I wish i had a brother or sister to discuss things with. I never cared growing up but now there has been many occasion when i wish I had someone to discuss things with. I know this was about you trying to deal with your loss, but it was nice to hear that a "macho guy" like you has trouble dealing with this too. Like you said you often hear about help for women because men are suppose to be cool and not grieve and be able to deal with death with out help etc. I hate it when McKenzie says "I don't want to be alone" when we ask her to go do something by herself because I already worry about her being an only child later. Becaue I "feel alone" a lot of the times and I know when I loose my mom it will be even worse!! I pray that everyday is getting a little easier for you and that you remember special memories of your mom. Sorry I felt the urge to vent for a little bit instead of just sypathizing!
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Hello Ted,I just read your comments about the death of your mother.Wish I could give you some male feedback,but I'm not that. I'm truly sorry for your loss and I understand what you are saying about time to grieve, it never really ends.
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I know the loss of the loved heart which is giving constant pain in our mind.don't worry for that..because everyone has lost their loving person..visibly or else.so give support others who needs some words to cure their heart's pain...God will give your father again as an another form of relations..
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